 |
| From Buridan's Donkey |
There were three talks in General Conference about having doubts and questions. Two years ago, my wife Stacie had a traumatic episode of delusion that included spiritual visions and messages from heaven. Thankfully, she was kept safe through it and has been recovering since this time. It really rocked our faith (and our pocketbook) because if I didn't convince Stacie that these revelations were false, she would dive deeper into patterns of delusion. The doctor even told us it would be good to avoid spiritual things. Ever since then, I have had trouble sincerely believing and it has opened the door to many other doubts I didn’t previously have. I still actively participate in my LDS ward, have a fairly expansive knowledge of LDS doctrine, have witnessed what I believe to be miracles in my life and I still want to believe. But I haven’t ever found an answer that has really helped me. It has haunted me for over two years. To twist the knife even further, through the events of Stacie’s mental breakdown, I also learned that a man I looked to as one of my primary spiritual mentors for almost 10 years also had a mental illness and was clinically delusional.
In the Church, if you have ever had a question about the gospel, it can feel like you are a donkey in front of two stacks of straw but starving because you don’t know which one to eat.
One stack of straw is feeling like I can fully relate to people at church who say “I know without a shadow of a doubt,” the members who have a fail-proof testimony and a conversion that is solid and unshakable. They are such good people and serve and bless peoples’ lives and love sincerely. I just can’t relate to them fully because I don’t know and asking my questions makes this group of people feel really uncomfortable. Sometimes when I bring up doubts or questions, it seems like I am perceived instantly as an anti-Mormon or as someone who must have been delving into anti-Mormon literature. I feel like I am a threat who will taint the minds of their children with poisonous ideas.
The other stack of straw is trying to relate to the group of people who have stepped away from the Church out of apathy or who are adamantly against the Church. I am not against the Church. I’m also not in anyway apathetic about my devotion. It’s not like I’m looking for an excuse to drink coffee or to not feel guilty about not keeping some Church standard.
I can’t fully relate to either of these groups, but finding a group of people who is comfortable discussing questions but who isn’t somehow bitter against the Church has been a challenge. It’s also difficult to find those who say they have a "sure knowledge” who are able to open their minds to be open to anything but their sure knowledge. I just have sincere questions that I would like to explore with those who are believers and who aren’t afraid of the possibility of discovering the truth, even if the truth is not what they thought. A group of people who are the third stack of straw.
I’m also a student of positive psychology and I actively strive for more authentic positivity. The subject of doubt has unfortunately been a source of negativity for me (and my marriage) for a while and I would like to change that. That’s why I’m finally just writing about this online. I’m reaching out because it is better to be authentic. Out of vulnerability comes great strength.
Hi Andy,
ReplyDeleteI can honestly say that I usually find myself in what sounds like nearly the same camp as you. I certainly cannot put myself in the "never doubt" category and I think you know me well enough to know that I am certainly not in the bitter category either. I currently attend church and it is easy for me simply because I get to express my love for the Savior from behind a set of piano keys and never have to interact (confront or correct) with the adults about whether something is doctrinally sound or if it is a vicious element of LDS culture. To further your analogy, what has worked for me is going out and gleaning the fields where the hay bales were cut. The Farmer who feeds has left many seeds in the field. I find that when I am serving others outside of the church and in worse circumstances than my own, I can truly see how God's love works in real time. Church can be very difficult because it seems that it often (generalizing here, and probably shouldn't but I hope you understand where I'm coming from) church has become a costume party. Who can cover their sins with the most make up rather than a hospital for those with spiritual trauma. I appreciate your honesty and I am available to talk anytime you need. God bless you in your journey.
Thanks for your comment. I like that about gleaning the straw from the field. I definitely have felt a lot of joy serving people both inside and outside of the church. Every time I try to open up in a way (like this) that I am authentic to my concerns about cultural misunderstandings or about my own spiritual pain, a few loving members (like you) come and tell me that they agree with me and that they wished there was more of this kind of authenticity. But the showroom culture is pretty pervasive in the Church. I actually really believe it will change in time. If it doesn't become more and more like a hospital where we can come to be healed, I think the more transparent generations will keep shying away because they feel like they can't really relate and they will seek help elsewhere. Thanks again for your thoughtful response.
DeleteWow. You you should read my quote-books more often, brother !
ReplyDelete"The questions in life are more important than the answers. This is because we can accept different answers at different points in our lives. But the questions keep us learning, and growing." ~ R.Dale Jeffery
I AM YOUR THIRD BALE, Andy.
We can talk through anything; you just need to start asking questions!
Dale. you make me laugh! haha. I also really love that quote. Thanks man.
DeleteAndy, you don't know me very well. We met in person at your parents' house and we've talked back and forth online about your book and website. I have a lot of respect for you and feel that you're very sincere. I'd love to talk with you anytime.
ReplyDeleteThanks Larry. That's super kind of you. I have been deluged with comments and love of people offering to help me answer questions. Thanks so much.
DeleteAndy, thanks for sharing your feelings! I don't think I have a good answer for you, other than to encourage you to not give up on the Lord, and to seek his help earnestly. There have been a few times when I've struggled incredibly and I prayed for help. Often the exact help I needed came at the exact last moment, when I actually needed it. My sincere belief is that God won't leave us, if we don't give up on Him, despite how hard things get. I think He does that to teach us to trust in Him, even when we don't have all the answers. I don't feel I can comment very much on your or Stacie's experiences, since I don't know much what occurred. I know I've had spiritual experiences that were very real, that a doctor at a hospital would diagnose as delusional, but which I am confident were not delusional. That being said, I can only speak for what I've experienced, and it's hard because there are delusions, and telling them apart could be difficult. One strength to my testimony is knowing that the Gospel works. I've seen the hand of the Lord so many times in my life that I cannot in good conscience deny His existence while remembering all He's done for me. I'm confident that if the world could experience the evidences I've experienced over the course of my life, that very few would doubt the existence of a God who answers prayers. Perhaps I can share a few specific examples of the many I've seen in my life where I felt God answered my prayers and blessed me to know He lives. Sure, there have been times I've forgotten/not recalled the experiences I've had, and I've struggled in my faith, but the times I've recalled them, I've received great strength. I also believe Andy, that you have incredible potential to do good. You have so much positive energy and desire to do good in the world, that it doesn't surprise me that you'd feel attacked in your beliefs. Sometimes great temptation/doubt, etc. precede great progress and blessing.
ReplyDeleteAbout ten years ago I felt very overwhelmed and weak spiritually. I was tapping out spiritually- basically praying to God and pleading for help and giving up, unless He would help me. To put this experience in context, I had studied about various majors and prayed a lot and received a few answers that didn't seem to fit together in a clear picture in my mind. I went home and cried, explaining to my Mom my struggles. She listened. I went to my room and prayed intensely while listening to some uplifting seminary type music, I felt greatly comforted by the Spirit. I turned off the music and went to bed with only my fan on. That night I had a sacred dream in which I was taught relative to the kingdoms of glory, the Millennium and missionary work. That night I felt more love, joy and peace than I've ever felt. Nothing I've ever felt in life comes close to the feelings that accompanied the dream/vision I had. I awoke around 3am, and cried for about 90 minutes while I wrote a detailed account of what I had learned in my journal. I cried from joy and gratitude. That special blessing came at the precise moment I was about to give up spiritually and has been a source of strength for me to serve others and try to do what's right. Despite not knowing everything, I know God lives and has answered my prayers of faith many, many times. I'll share a few more experiences. Another time- only months ago I struggled with temptations to doubt the Gospel, in part because of I saw a servant of the Lord say something that caused me to doubt his worthiness and also I was just struggling, having good desires to do good in the world, knowing the Lord could help me, but struggling and feeling I couldn't do all the good I wanted to, without His help. I felt bleak about the future and knelt and cried praying for help- another "last straw" moment. Then about 30 minutes later my friend who is very spiritually in tune came over to our home and said he felt impressed that morning while in the shower to offer his help for us. To Rebecca and I it was a very clear answer to our sincere prayer. It was a sign of God's love that came in the exact moment we needed it. Perhaps one of the greatest strength have felt in my testimony has come as I've striven to purify my life to be in harmony with the standards in the For the strength of Youth pamphlet. Like the scripture says, test the word, and if any man will do His will he will know of the doctrine whether it be of God (something like that, you're familiar with those scriptures I'm sure). Also, the strength I've received has come primarily as I've striven to receive the Lord's will for my life and to do it- to consecrate my life to God.
DeleteIn 2006 I felt two very strong, undeniable promptings that led me to believe I needed to look into Broadcast Journalism. Bit by bit I exercised faith to pursue the path I felt God lighting for me, bit by bit. I've seen so many tender mercies, that I'd be ungrateful if I didn't acknowledge the help Heavenly Father has given us as we've sought His help to do His will. Here's a list of a few of the tender mercies we've seen over the past decade in relation to our pursuit to discover and do what we feel the Lord would have us do. Some might say it was pure happenstance that we were offered free rent two days after I told me boss I was quitting my job to follow an impression to work on a project. Some might say it was coincidence that Google Fiber was announced in Provo shortly after I pleaded with the Lord in prayer to upgrade the technical infrastructure of internet, to allow us to be physically able to do what we felt inspired to do. Some might say that those and a hundred other similar answers to prayers were coincidences, but I'm certain they were not. I am certain that God answers prayers. I've prayed and seen too many answers to prayer to doubt that. Some might think it was a coincidence that I had recurring dreams about being kidnapped as a child, preceding a near-kid nap incident and then haven't had a kidnapping dream since then and the dream was what gave me the awareness to keep me safe. Some might say it's coincidence the times I've prayed to be an instrument in God's hand to serve His children and felt impressed to help someone, who I would've had no other way to know they needed help. Some would say it's mere brain chemicals that have filled my life with incredible joy, love and peace as I've exercised my faith in God to do His will in my family. Some might say it's coincidence that the reason I met my wife was because She followed an impression to stay on campus for 5 or so more hours than usual and take the last bus back to Wyview Apartments. Some might say the joy I feel when I obey the commandments is merely caused because of conditioning myself to believe I have to obey the commandments to be happy. Some might say the reason I feel guilt when I sin is only because of pre-conditioning by religious instruction. While I'm confident those play a role, I'm also confident that God divinely created us such to help us be happy when we do right and sad when we do wrong. I personally haven't met many truly happy people who haven't been living according to Gospel-related principles of happiness. Likewise I have met many people who have given up, or abandoned their discipleship who seem to be living beneath their privileges and don't have as much love, peace, purpose and joy as they otherwise could have. I believe God exists. I believe it even though I have had temptations to my faith. I know the more we've lived the Gospel principles in our home, the more our marriage and family have been blessed. I know God has answered many of my prayers in the past and that He continues to lead and bless our family as we exercise faith in Him and move ahead, despite the challenges we face and doubts that confront us occasionally.
DeleteAnyway, I love you Andy and Stacie! You are both incredible examples to me and to many people. I encourage you to keep on keeping on and to prayer in faith for help. Pray for opportunities to be inspired to bless God's children. I think that's perhaps the easiest kind of prayer to receive an immediate answer to. I love you guys. Life is short, before we know it, our "test" of life will be over. I know if we seek to "lose" our lives in the service of God's children, we will experience a richness of life- of peace, joy, love and sense of purpose that surpasses the understanding of anyone who has not experienced the ecstasy of partnering with God. Don't give up, hold on, pray and trust that your Heavenly Father WILL help you. I promise. Anyways, those are a few of my thoughts and a few of my experiences. I'm taking this time to write this because I know I've felt times where I've felt weak and doubted. I know it can be hard, but I also know the Gospel works and that God lives and answers prayers. Much love, Alex Balinski (Sorry I commented so much, it wouldn't allow me to have such a long comment :) )
DeleteThanks Alex I saw this comment on Facebook as well. :)
DeleteAndy, thanks for being real and authentic about having doubts. I've struggled with perfectionism my entire life and posting about my doubts would both be brave and scary. I love Brene Brown's thoughts about showing up and being real. Thanks for being real. You have doubts, you have strengths, you have weaknesses, and you are enough.
ReplyDeleteThanks Tyler! I totally agree about what Brene Brown said. I thought of her TED talk while deciding to post this or not.
DeleteIf we could absolutely prove the church was true, there would be not test to prove our faith. It is sort of like the wind. You can feel it, you can hear it, you can see its effect on something else, but you can not actually see it. There was also a talk about church fanatics who take one area of doctrine way out of proportion. I think if there is anything that puts me off on church it is imperfect people, but sadly since we are all imperfect people I figure I better forgive them in hopes the Lord will forgive me. So sad to hear life has throwing some rough challenges at you. Having doubts and questions does not make you a bad person. I imagine you know more than I do about the church. I love the lds.org option of putting in any word and getting scriptures and talks about the subject. Peace to you and your dear life.
ReplyDeleteActually this is from Donna Lu Smith. Not sure why it is saying Merrill. Peace to you and your dear wife!
DeleteThanks so much!
DeleteHey Andy. I support you. Your questions are real and important. I sent you a email (hope it is not too long :)
ReplyDeleteThanks man. I'll respond your email this week for sure. :)
DeleteYou have had a lot of feedback with oh so many thoughts to contribute. I don't have anything specific to add in regards to your struggles. I have found myself similarly residing in a limbo of sorts of not wanting to leave, but no longer feeling authentic in my testimony as it was. So although I don't know your struggle, I know what it is to struggle. And it's often hard and lonely, no matter how many people say that they get it. :) (And really kind of draining sometimes.) Anyway, I respect your journey and wish you well on your path. You have lots of offers to chat but I'll throw my hat in that mix too. May we all find peace in whatever form that takes.
ReplyDeleteThanks Mandy. You've always been so kind to me. This post (and the FB one) has been so helpful in finding people who are willing to both listen and look together at finding more answers, and to not feel alone in my search.
Delete