Things as they really are - Cobb has a Totem, do you?

The person who posted this youtube video was probably just in the theater filming this with their digital camera, or more likely at home because every time I saw that part in the theater there was a "OHHH" by the whole crowd. Either way, if you have seen this movie you experienced the crazy feeling that came after that scene where you don't know if you are also dreaming. When I was walking out of the theater for the first time, I thought that I was in a dream. It blew my mind. It was the first time I had been taken that far into the story and idea of a movie since the last time I had seen one of Christopher Nolan's films (The Dark Knight). It really made me ask myself a question: What is real?

So many philosophers have asked this question including Plato in his classic Allegory of the Cave. Feel free to click and watch this on my homepage. The prisoners in this cave are convinced that the only thing that is real are the shadows on the wall. That is all they know. That is all they have ever known. Until one of them is released and is dragged up the path and into the light of the day. His mind is blown in similar fashion as he begins to see things as they really are. He sees the light of the day and a sun and a tree and a person walking and people dancing (all of which are things he never had imagined).

Moses had a similar experience. He was about as high as you could get in society and politics in Egypt. He knew Egypt in all its grandeur and had everything the world had to offer.

Then one day he had a vision. He was able to reach into the heavens with the eyes of his understanding quickened by divine allowance. God showed him everything: "there was not a particle of it which he did not behold..." (see Moses 1). The closest thing we have to this now is what we get from the Hubble Deep Field imagery (which is also quite amazing). After Moses saw these things he said: "I know that I am nothing, which thing I never had supposed."

On top of Mt. Sinai where Moses had this vision.

Hubble Ultra Deep Field Image

How could you suppose such a thing? It is seemingly impossible to conceive something so vast and reaching with the human brain. Even that image that was taken by Hubble makes me have a cerebral-server overload (every dot in that image is an individual galaxy). I feel so small. But it is something that makes me also realize that there is so much more than is on the surface. We only see what is in our immediate presence and what is within our peripheral view. So how do we know and understand what is real and what is not?

Jacob answers this question after mentioning the impossibility of man to comprehend. He says:

"the Spirit speaketh the truth and lieth not...it speaketh of things as they really are, and of things as they really will be..." (Jacob 4:13)

Therefore, the Spirit is the only way to know the way things really are. What is the alternative? Just Google it. Right? What if you aren't "feeling lucky" in your search or it doesn't give you the results that you are looking for or the only result you get says: "did you mean (fill in the blank)" and it is not even close to what you are looking for. At some point you will reach a moment in your life when you can't just go to Google for an answer. Especially an answer about what is real - an answer about what to do next in your life, and about who you really are and always have been. The only way to know what is truly real is to have the Spirit. This allows you to access the incomprehensible even just for a moment. In the movie Inception, Dom Cobb has what he calls a totem that helps him to know that he is not dreaming. It is something that only he knows the exact dimension of and that is unique to him. Something that when he uses it and engages all his focus on it, it lets him know that he is not dreaming and that things are real. Cobb spent a lot of time in a dreamworld that was not real. A place that had such high fidelity that he lived there for years and couldn't tell the difference. The dreamworld seemed just as real as anything he knew, but it wasn't. The only way to discern was the totem.

We live in what could be called a dreamworld. Jacob even recognizes it as such: "our lives passed away like as it were unto us a dream" (Jacob 7:26). This is because we are not from this world and even though there are inklings of reality in many things in this world, there is never a fullness unless we tap into the source of reality and look to where we are from. And the way to tap into that source is through the Holy Ghost. The Spirit is our totem. It is the only way to know things as they really are. But do we really take advantage of it? Do we seek the Spirit? Or are we content with what we already know and with the pseudo-reality that confronts us every day? I feel like I live far below my privilege in using my totem. Here are some passages that make me realize how much is available:

I shall not attempt to paint to you the feelings of this heart, nor the majestic beauty and glory which surrounded us on this occasion; but you will believe me when I say, that earth, nor men, with the eloquence of time, cannot begin to clothe language in as interesting and sublime a manner as this holy personage. No; not has this earth power to give the joy, to bestow the peace, or comprehend the wisdom which was contained in each sentence as they were delivered by the power of the Holy Spirit!

This is Oliver Cowdery attempting to describe an encounter with reality, when he was visited by a glorified heavenly being - John the Baptist. (find this on the last page of Joseph Smith History) He continues:

Man may deceive his fellow-men, deception may follow deception, and the children of the wicked may have power to seduce the foolish and untaught...but fiction feeds...many, and the fruit of falsehood carries in its current the giddy to the grave; but one touch with the finger of his love, yes, one ray of glory from the upper world, or one word from the mouth of the Savior, from the bosom of eternity, strikes it all into insignificance, and blots it forever from the mind.

I also love these words of C.S. Lewis (in "The Weight of Glory"):

We are half-hearted creatures fooling around with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.

These words make me want to reach higher and search deeper for my own totem, for the Spirit which will help me know what is real, who I really am and who I always have been. Lewis explains this further in my favorite chapter of Mere Christianity. With the Spirit we are given a username and password (as it were) to access for a small moment, reality. That is the only reality there is on this earth, and it is not from this earth.

When, through a process we call inspiration and revelation, we are permitted at times to tap [the] divine databank, we are accessing, for the narrow purposes at hand, the knowledge of God. No wonder that experience is so unforgettable! (Neal A. Maxwell - Meeting the Challenges of Today)

Indeed, an encounter with the only source of reality we have is an amazing experience. I just need to use my totem more often and truly tap into that source of the knowledge of God. Anyone can, if they will.

But as it has been written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, nether hath entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love Him. But God hath revealed them unto us by his Spirit: for the Spirit searcheth all things, yea the deep things of God. (1 Cor. 2:9-10)

Therefore it is given to abide in you; the record of heaven; the Comforter; the peaceable things of immortal glory; the truth of all things; that which quickeneth all things, which maketh alive all things; that which knoweth all things, and hath all power according to wisdom... (Moses 6:61).

See also Things as The Really Are

It's Magic Pony Time

The question is, which magic pony do I ride?

Last night we had the annual company Christmas party. I have been kind of busy lately and not very responsible for my social life and was therefore dateless. Everyone at a company Christmas party has a date or a wife or a husband and so going alone is always a little awkward. So I decided to sit at the table with some of the directors of the company so as to glean from their wisdom and build rapport. I sat next to one of our directors who just came to our company after being with Google China. He always has something interesting to say and he was also conveniently dateless. I always like to observe people who have made a great impact like Jared and as I was looking over, I saw that he had a couple of note cards. I thought he must be

studying or something or just had some idea pop into his head about a new product or feature that he wanted to code. Then as I looked closer (call me snoopy), I saw a bullet point with "Ride the Magic Pony" written. This kind of threw me off. I expected anything but a magic pony on a notecard of a multimillionaire from Google. But as he got up in the end to speak, he said some things that really made me think about my life right now. What direction I am going and where the destination will finally be.

His speech was about the past and future of the company. He talked about the past starting in the basement of Scott Smith (he is the one in the video below), the BYU marketing research professor who needed a tool to do his research online and came up with this idea. Then to a few developers and sales guys, then more and a new building, then buying the building, then over 100 employees, and hundreds of thousands of users and now millions of responses monthly with clients all over the world. Next week we will be again moving to a new building where even more growth can happen.

At the end of the night every employee received an irregularly hefty cash bonus along with an awesome backpack that was stuffed with high-quality embroidered hooded sweatshirts. At last year's Christmas party they had a raffle for one flatscreen 50 inch HDTV. I'll just say that this year, there was no raffle. Everyone got one, and more.

Then Jared said something as he looked down at the notecard I saw about the future of this company. He said something to the effect of: "I have been at many great companies before, Word Perfect, Novell, Google, what have you,... and there is always a point in the progress of the company where it begins to significantly expand and then explode in just a few years. It's what I call the 'magic pony time'. You all have the opportunity to make a decision. You can stay with Qualtrics and ride the magic pony till you see that you wont need to worry about money anymore, or you can have great experiences elsewhere. But this is the magic pony time - when you can get on or get off and either way you will see this company do things that no other company has ever done...." and he went on.

Needless to say, it has made me think A LOT about what I am doing with my life. Where I am in the company. What I have accomplished there. Where I could be in 5 years, and whether I want to ride the magic pony of Qualtrics or find another pony to ride. Another successful businessman (who was the visiting father of one of my dear friends at the company) told his daughter (who then mentioned to me later) that if we stayed at Qualtrics, we would never have to worry about money and to "stay if you can".

All this has been difficult for me to digest as I have been planning to go to grad school all along. Money is very comfortable. More money is even more comfortable. And I like the comfort, and being the dateless snooper that I was, I thought about supporting a family and how cheap it is to have a baby (though I am neither pregnant nor married) under the insurance they have and how great the benefits are. I just have a picture in my mind of someone who worked for Amazon, or facebook who left because they didn't really see a future in it because they thought it was boring or that it was not for them, then they kick themselves now that these companies are booming successes. So for the next five years (which will very much influence the next 50 years) I will either be at the Q developing new ideas and building it, or I will be at grad school, or I will be doing something else entirely. So what do the Ponies look like?

Magic Pony #1

Score well on the GRE this Friday, finish all the grad apps (some of the deadlines have already passed for my top choices). Some are not till early to mid January. Go to grad school in the fall of 2011 by myself, hopefully with scholarships.

Top picks: UMass Amherst, Penn State, U of Illinois at Urbana Champaign, University of Michigan. All programs are in communications and media effects. I was informally offered an internship position for the summer near Boston that is totally relevant to the field and I have been preparing for grad school for my whole undergrad career.

Why I should go:

It makes a lot of sense. I am passionate about knowledge. I am passionate about education and the current effect of the technology explosion/revolution and the media on everyone and everything in the world. I love history and knowing what the masses are thinking and the direction they are going. What is happening now with technology and the media has NEVER happened in all history (at least on this world) and there isn't really a reference for what is happening. I have high aspirations and would like to have more than a bachelors degree in psychology from BYU in the end. The longer I wait (if I decided to wait another 20 months - if I don't go in the fall, that's what it would be), the less valued and relevant my undergraduate letters of recommendation will be.

Why I should not go:

It is expensive (without an amazing scholarship or series of grants). I still don't know what exactly are the jobs that a masters or PhD lead to (other than a professor of communications or a research consultant). I feel like my search has not been comprehensive in where to go. I just feel like there are places that I don't know about and I am making a decision to go to (the ones listed above) because I haven't heard of many others in what I am looking for. Though I have a fervid passion for learning, I don't know if I eventually want to end up in academia. It does seem like more people trust you if you have PhD after your name, but really though, who cares in the end if I can still learn and can comfortably support my family? Speaking of family, I don't have my own. I'm not married. I am not even dating anyone. This can change pretty fast and I may find some amazing and special young woman before I ship out in 8 months, but if not? Should I fly solo? I think not. I always told myself I would never go to grad school alone. Call me a banal Mormon, but in the end what matters most? Family matters and if I end up with 3 advanced degrees and respect and research and all the erudition this world has to offer and yet no one to share with? What then? Start a facebook fan page? No. That doesn't feel right. I do want more education. Don't get me wrong. I've always wanted to be Dr. Proctor. But I feel like I need to follow the counsel of one of the prophets and slow down, and remember what matters most. Here are some penetrating words:

"...it is good advice to slow down a little, steady the course, and focus on the essentials when experiencing adverse conditions.This is a simple but critical lesson to learn. It may seem logical when put in terms of trees or turbulence, but it’s surprising how easy it is to ignore this lesson when it comes to applying these principles in our own daily lives. When stress levels rise, when distress appears, when tragedy strikes, too often we attempt to keep up the same frantic pace or even accelerate, thinking somehow that the more rushed our pace, the better off we will be."

So I feel that slowing down and not trying to forget everything in life other than grad school and GRE prep would be wise. Plus I am scheduled to take it in 6 days and not prepared as I should be. I just can't get my speed up. I know a lot of the stuff. I just need to be more nimble.

Magic Pony #2

Hold back for 20 months. Study longer for the GRE. Get a better grasp on exactly what I want to study in grad school while building multiple streams of income, taking more time for social endeavors, and developing some things at Qualtrics that will establish me as credible and dependable.

Why I should do this:

Because it feels better. I know that in this time frame I could create multiple streams of income that will be a huge blessing not only during grad school, but for the rest of my life. I already have the ideas for them, but just need to "push the button" and begin. Many of them are things that I am almost as passionate about as education and that would very possibly be a better way to support a family than being a professor. I currently am giving up everything other than food and my job and church to figure this out. I have sequestered myself to my room and the library to study so that I can study more. I do love studying, however, I also want to love people and to finally love one young woman. I treasure these words from Thomas Jefferson about this in his inner debate between love and intellectualism:

“Let the gloomy monk, sequestered from the world, seek unsocial pleasures in the bottom of his cell! Let the sublimated philosopher grasp visionary happiness while pursuing phantoms dressed in the garb of truth! Their supreme wisdom is supreme folly; & they mistake for happiness the mere absence of pain. Had they ever felt the solid pleasure of one generous spasm of the heart, they would exchange for it all the frigid speculations of their lives.”

I love this. I seriously want to be an educated person like TJ was, but even deeper within is the desire to be a supportive loving husband and a confident dependable father who enjoys on a regular basis these "spasms of the heart". I haven't had such spasms for a while. The only spasms I have had were due to food poison! Yuck.

Additionally, if Qualtrics really does explode and become the worlds authority in research, it will be a good team to be on. Who needs a PhD when all the PhDs come to you for help already?

And I won't have a heart attack because of the stress that I feel right now. I could actually enjoy the Christmas festivities and focus on people instead of tasks.

What makes me nervous about this:

I kind of already did it once last year and I hate feeling like I am a consistent giver-uper. I look indecisive and unprepared. It makes my letters of recommendation fade in meaning if I want to ever use them (it is hard for professors to recommend me if they don't remember me because of how long it has been). It even could seem that I am 26 years old and have no definite pathway in life. These are the main things that I worry about. Or if I end up losing the window of opportunity for grad school (which I don't see happening) and Qualtrics doesn't pull through (which I also think is hard to imagine).

Magic Pony #3?

Something else. Go to a film school? Work my way up at some other technology company after establishing myself at Qualtrics? Other opportunities unforeseen?

I am leaning heavily to Magic Pony #2. What do you think?

PS - I commend you for reading this far.

Ragnar, the GRE, and Spiritual Stamina

Holy cow. (never say that in India by the way). I just ran a 195 mile relay in Las Vegas called the Ragnar. Me and a team of 11 other runners were sponsored by the company I work for (Qualtrics), to go and represent them. I used to be a sprinter/hurdler (see above - sorry about the whiteness of the legs) and I am slowly converting to distance running. The race started in the Valley of Fire State Park in Nevada and ended on the other side of Las Vegas at the Red Rock Casino. It was quite the race. I only ran about 18 miles of it, but that is longer than I have ever ran before. We started at 7:30 AM on Friday and ended at about 2:00 PM the next day (about 30 hours of strait running). Two of my three portions of the race were in the middle of the night. (Not a huge fan though it showed me that I am capable of running 6 miles even at 4:00 AM!). I really enjoyed the experience, but ended up being very sore and tired at the end. My friend Esther on the other hand, was fresh at the end of each of her legs (portions of the race). I was amazed that she was fine and not limping around like I was at the end. I felt like I was like 80 and needed a wheel chair (please don't take offense if you

are 80+ and reading this!). It got me thinking, something I never do (ha)...that it was such a lesson for life. Esther runs everyday probably like 4 to 5 miles a day. It was just a normal thing for her to run 18 miles in a couple of days. I wasn't used to it. I did not have the stamina. I used to be able to run a 400 meter dash like a champ and be done, but running 8 miles uphill and in the middle of the night can really get to you if you are not ready. There is no "winging it". This is the same with life and spirituality. I am preparing to take the GRE on December 4 and I can't just show up and expect to get a good score. I know that I will have to practice daily - a daily 4 mile run so to speak.

Spiritual stamina is also the same. You can't just fake it when you need spiritual stamina. You need to build it up so that when the temptations come and when things are hard unexpectedly and you have to "run in the middle of the night", you can finish that leg of the race. This life is like a Ragnar. Long stretches of hard, dedicated and focused running. But it is possible!

My Dad - A Photo Essay

Dad - Solid, Confident

Here is my Dad. He is a photographer and so he is the one who is always taking the pictures. He always claims that he is never in any of them. I have oodles of pictures of the photographer and I am going to prove him wrong. His pictures are better than mine, (as you will see in some that he actually took in this series) but I will do my best to do a photoessay on my Dad. He usually is the one who does photoessays on all the pictures he takes, but now it is my turn to do a photo essay on why I love my Dad. He is amazing.

A Heavenly Curtain in the Sky

He appreciates beauty in all its forms. One thing that my Dad taught me at an early age is to appreciate beautiful things in nature. He used to take me and the boys out with binoculars and a book from national geographic that had every bird that ever existed. So we would spot one, and then we would look it up and memorize the name of it. I loved that. I am grateful for a Dad who teaches me to have fun learning and appreciating nature and beauty. As a photographer, he naturally showed his respect and reverence for beauty in God's creations. I remember one time as we were traveling on I-15 when I was a youngster, we saw a huge light in the distance as if it were a curtain of fire being shaken by some huge man in the sky. It was an anomaly. An Aurora Borealis happening further south than normal. They are called "The Northern Lights" for a reason. Dad stopped the car and we all got out and stared in awe until the heavenly light show stopped. This particular photo is at Cascade Lake in Northern ID and it reminded me of that experience.

Triple Buddies!

My Dad also loves to have fun and to keep traditions going in the family. He always makes it fun to be with him and to be with the family. Here we are making the dough for our ginger bread houses.

One Expression for a Thousand Words Within

Here he is on the steps leading up St. Peter at Gallicantu. He has a deep respect for things that are spiritual and sacred. These steps are original and very good candidates for being ones that the Savior Himself walked up.

Here he is showing reverence and respect for a very holy site for 3 religions. He has that look on his face. That look that says - "My heart is full of thousands of words to say about this ground, but I cannot say it at this time in this current situation." I know what he is thinking inside. He is showing respect for Islam, because of the present stewardship of this ground, but deep inside he is amazed that he is standing on the holy temple mount - the place where history began to write itself. In legend, this is the very center of everything, for from this very spot the first dry land appeared out of the waters of the creation and the gods stood from this spot and began to organize. It is the very place where Abraham came from Bethel to sacrifice Isaac, the place where two temples stood, where the very ark of the covenant was placed, where Nehemiah, Jeremiah, Isaiah, Ezekiel, Daniel, Lehi, Nephi, David, Solomon, and even the Savior Jesus the Christ Himself came here to teach, heal and commune with His Father. This was all in his heart though he did not say it with his mouth. I have seen him with this look in many places sacred like this. From the Sacred Grove, to Gettysburg to Gethsemane. He hungers and thirsts after righteousness and has therefore been filled.

A Deep Brotherhood

My Dad has such a knack for talking to anyone anywhere as if he were a part of their family. And that is something that I have learned from my Dad - everyone is a part of our family. He truly believes this and shows it by talking to everyone as if they were his brother. He shows his love, and they assume the love and reciprocate, and miracles often happen. This is the Western Wall. The holiest site in the world for all Jews. You would think that because you are a Mormon in a site that is so holy to all of Judaism, a person would just sit back and let the Jews alone. But my Dad got out of his comfort zone to show his love and respect. He even offered this man to take his picture at this holy place and email it to him later for free. What a generous offering from a professional photographer.

World Class Shooter

My Dad travels the world to capture light and life. He is an amazing photographer and he takes his job seriously. He has a gift for capturing light and life in the face of those he shoots. He has shot a lot of people. Any any other house, it would be really odd if your dad told you he was going on a week trip to shoot the prophet, but for me, it is just normal. He has shot many prophets and the shots are world class. (this is a picture of him shooting from the walls of the Old City of Jerusalem).

Here he is in Gethsemane.

Some of My favorite pics of my Dad are of him taking pictures.

Good Sport and Goober

My Dad is the most playful goofball jokester you ever knew. From Willie to what have been come to know as "Dad jokes" he is a class act goober. He knows when to be serious and of a sober mind and he knows when it's time to loosen the bow and laugh. He works hard and then he plays hard.

Always There

My Dad has been there in all the turning point moments in my life. He was there when I was born, to give me a blessing from a distance that allowed me to stay on this earth instead of suffocating as my little body turned purple and blue after I was born. He was there and worthy for my baptism and confirmation.

He was there to ordain me to the office of Deacon, Teacher, Priest and Elder. He was there to help me with my Eagle project. He was there with his telephoto lens at my track meets. He was there when I graduated from high school and college. He was there when I went to the temple to be endowed from power from on high for myself. He was there as I left for the mission. He was there when I returned. He even came to Jerusalem to be there as I immersed myself in some of the most life changing experiences I have ever had.

I would like to share one experience I had that is probably the best surprise I have ever received. When I got to Jerusalem He was there for the first time I experienced going to the Western Wall, (which in itself is a sacred experience.) I didn't know he would be there. I did feel a power there that I wished I could share with someone who shared their priesthood lineage with me. And though there were many other great guys (who were priesthood holders) there with me, I just felt things in my heart that I didn't think I could share with anyone who I didn't have a deeply personal relationship with. As these thoughts went through my mind, I started to go toward the place where you can put on the courtesy Kippa (as you see on our heads below). When I looked toward that area, I saw a face that looked a lot like my Dad. It WAS my Dad!! I couldn't believe it! It was amazing to share that with him. Every time after that during my time in Jerusalem, when I went to that incredibly significant and historic and sacred place, I always thought of when he (and my Mom) came and surprised me and my sister. It was the perfect surprise at the perfect moment and he sacrificed much to make it happen.

My Dad is the Man.

As I shared above, my Dad is always there to make special moments last forever. He has done this countless times in my life. The next few photos don't really have my Dad in them, but I wanted to show off my Dad's amazing photography skills along with showing how cool he is. There is an event that happens in Philadelphia every year at the University of Pennsylvania (and has for 116 years).

It is called the Penn Relay Carnival. For anyone who loves track, it is a spectacular event. Track athletes from middle school, high school and college come to compete with their relay team. At the end there is an amazing display as they have a few relays that are run by Olympic athletes - the fastest in the world. They call the event "USA vs. The World". The year that I went with my high school team, the man of the hour was Maurice Greene.

He was (at the time, the fastest man in the world). I was so excited just to be able to see him from the stands. But my Dad wanted to make it an awesome experience, so he went to all the lengths to use his Meridian Magazine power to get ahold of a press pass that would allow him to stand very close to the Olympians. I told him if he was going to stand anywhere, it should be at the anchor leg position. So he did. And you can see the amazing shots he got of this short, yet blazingly fast man. My Dad is so cool, he is the man.

My Spiritual Hero

Here he is at the John Johnson Home in Ohio (near Kirtland). He is standing on the steps where Joseph Smith stood to preach the day after he was torn from his bed, stripped, tarred and feathered and left for dead. The mobsters yelling out: "you won't be preaching tomorrow!" (or something similar). The next morning he did preach, about Charity, the pure love of Christ. And some of the members of the mob were in the crowd, listening to him. An amazing story that my Dad can tell better than I think anyone else. He is, in my eyes, the world's expert on the prophet Joseph Smith. He is the exact build and height of Joseph. He even has a chip in his front tooth (as Joseph did). I love my Dad's love for the prophet. He makes me want to get to know him better. I have come to know the life of the prophet Joseph better because I am my Dad's son.

This last picture is probably my favorite picture that I have of my Dad. I know there is a man holding a walkie talkie on the right (maybe I'll photoshop him out later). Despite the imperfection of the photo, I love it. I love that it is at the Susquehanna River, in the spot where the Holy Priesthood was restored. And the reason why my Dad is holding his hand up the way he is, is because he is declaring his priesthood line of ordination. He has it memorized (down to the day of every single ordination). From him, to his father, to others back to the three witnesses, to John the Baptist/Peter, James and John, who received the priesthood under the hand of Jesus Christ Himself. What an amazing moment this was for me. What an amazing example my Dad has always been. I love his passion for all things Spiritual. The prophet Joseph Said: "The things of God are of deep import; and time, and experience, and careful and ponderous and solemn thoughts can only find them out." (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, page 137.)

My Dad has taken the time and spent countless hours in ponderous and solemn thought. I love him for this and I will always look up to the example he has given to me. I love my Dad. I love his love the Lord and it will have a lasting impact not only on me, but on my posterity for generations to come.

Garbage in Gethsemane

I am currently writing a book for returned missionaries. One of the chapters in that book is called "How do I make the atonement the center of my life?" Every time I begin thinking about what I am going to write, I am brought back to the many Sabbath afternoons I spent in Gethsemane.

I lived in Jerusalem in the BYU Jerusalem Center for Near Eastern Studies for about 4 months. This spectacular building is located on the northern end of the Mount of Olives. It overlooks the Kidron Valley and Mount Moriah where the Old City of Jerusalem stands.

Some argue that it is the best view of the city from anywhere and it is a good argument considering the hordes of tourists and local visitors who come for this view of the city. Living there was something that very very few people will ever experience. Almost every morning I would wake up before sunrise and go to the spot where President Hinckley was filmed for the first scene of "Special Witnesses of Jesus Christ" (the very spot...on the eighth floor balcony).

Here is a video to show you. (see 0:48 of the video for the exact spot) I would pray and read and write and just think as I did many time lapse videos of the sun coming up on this ancient city of God. That alone was worth the $10,000 price tag for this program. It became my sanctuary and I had some of the most powerful prayers of my life in that spot in the wee hours of the Judean mornings.

The Center was located on the North end of the Mount of Olives, so it was quite close to a garden very special to the hearts of all who call themselves Christians. The Garden of All Gardens - Gethsemane.

While we were there we had the chance to participate in service. One of the things we got to do was clean up the Orson Hyde Memorial Park. This park is also on the Mount of Olives. It was the path the led down to the Garden of Gethsemane. We all got bags and gloves and went to work. There were over 80 people there so the work went fast. I began to move to the bottom of the path closer to the opening to Gethsemane. We finished the whole thing within a matter of about an hour. Students started turning in their gloves and going back to the Center. I was at the bottom of the trail at the opening to where the park converged with Gethsemane. I then remembered that every time we walked past the Garden, there was so much trash. I saw that we had tons of bags left and I still had my gloves on. I asked one of our leaders if it would be okay if we just went over and started picking up trash. They were a little hesitant because it was property which we had no permission to clean. (You may think this sounds funny, but in Jerusalem people get in fights over who can sweep where - Just google "broom wars in the Church of the HS" and you'll get a laugh).

So our leader hesitantly gave us permission to start cleaning. When we got there, I realized there was so much more garbage than I had seen while walking by. In fact, there was garbage everywhere. It was hidden. Beer cans and bottles under bushes that were grown over. Half-buried old t-shirts and lots of plastic. We even found a tire buried in the ground. Some of the things had to have been there for years - even decades. So we picked up all the garbage we could find whether it was left there years ago or just thrown in there the day before.

There was a prickly bush that had a lot of trash underneath. At first I was just going to leave it there because I didn't want to risk getting pierced by the thorns of the plant. But I looked at how much was under it and so I decided to reach in and start collecting the garbage. I rummaged soda cans and clothes and rusty old bottles and more plastic. In the end I did get a little bloody because of the prickles, but the trash hidden under the bush was removed.

It is hard not to think of symbolism when you are in places like Jerusalem, especially when you are in the Garden of Gethsemane. I just began thinking of all the garbage that the Savior found in that same Garden. He got there and realized that there was much MUCH more than He had ever imagined and doubted that He would be able to clean it all up. When he realized the amount of trash He was dealing with, He "began to be sore amazed" or in the Greek "atonished, awestruck". He was dealing with every type of garbage from everyone, every where from every time. I am so grateful that He went to that Garden and cleaned up the garbage. He has cleaned up so much of my garbage. Some garbage had been there for years and was rotting. Some garbage that was just thrown in yesterday. He picks it all up. No matter when it is from or what it is. He doesn't just choose the easy stuff. He digs deep. He cleanses what C.S. Lewis calls "the central self" - the sum of all the decisions we have made.

I am grateful for that experience in the Garden of Gethsemane. I am glad I got to pick up garbage in that Garden. How many people have ever been able to pick up garbage from that place? Maybe it wasn't a very big deal to some, but to one who loves symbolism, it was nothing short of a direct tender mercy. I thought about that experience every time I took the sacrament in that celestial auditorium that looks out over the Old City. It will give me a visual that I can look back on for the rest of my life as I consider "the central act of all human history".

I am grateful that my garbage was picked up in that Garden and that even as I continue to throw it in, He will be there to clean up my trash.

"Come now and let us reason together,

saith the LORD: though your sins be as

scarlet, they shall be as white as snow;

though they be red like crimson, they

shall be as wool."

(Isaiah 1:18)